Who ruined your self esteem?

I just read an article on iVillage called: Cruel Intentions: women out their first body bashers.  All of the stories there talk about a memory from childhood (pre puberty) about a child (usually the one they had a crush on) making a mean comment about their bodies.  Then they go on to say that such comment caused their low self esteem for the next X number of years.  Isn’t it sad how a small comment can have such a long lasting effect on somebody else's life?
I didn’t have to think for too long before I remembered who my first body basher was, my mom. 

I have always been more on the heavy side.  I wasn’t obese, just overweight.  I was always aware of my size compared to my friends at school.  They were shorter and their frames were smaller than mine.  I didn’t think that was a big deal as I was used to the way I looked, but then as I approached elementary school my mother started to make comments about my size and weight.  She complained about having to struggle to find the right size in the girls section at the store.  Before I was 7, I knew I was fat and that I needed to be on a diet.  My mother was very good at reminding me that I needed to lay off the sweets and that I should eat more vegetables.  As a young girl I tried to follow suit but I couldn’t stay away from junk food as my friends enjoyed snacks at school every day.  It didn’t get really bad until I became a teenager. 
In 5th grade I realized that I was not a pretty girl and that my overweight and the way I talked was more important to others than my personality so I just stopped caring what others thought of me.  I decided that my brain would have to define me, not my looks.  So I focused on being a smart girl rather than a pretty one.  I missed out on many experiences because of this.  When I look back at that period of time, I am happy that I was able to decide to focus on being smart rather than be pretty because that kept me out of trouble and free of eating disorders.  Sometimes it makes me extremely sad to think of all the girls that go through those years and fall prey to eating disorders. I wish my mom had had a healthier outlook in life and instead of telling me how fat and ugly I was all the time and how nobody would ever want me if I didn't change that she would have focused on leading a healthy active lifestyle.  I figured out on my own... 15 years later.  When I think about it I can't complain... better late than never.  I still have time to make adjustments to be who I want to be... not the perfect image my mom wants me to be.
So, there it is… my mom was my first and biggest body basher.  I still haven’t worked out all of my body image problems but I have readjusted the way I think about my body.  I am not even close to where I want to be but I am slowly getting there.  As long as the goal is healthy not looks, I think I’ll be on the right path.

I love you more when you’re cold and heartless…

Cold? heartless? yeah those two words have been used multiple times to describe me.  I am not sure why.  I am the sweetest person in this apartment… never mind the lack of other human beings since I live alone but I’m sure my two dogs would agree with me.  I lost my inspiration about this subject.  I think I’m going to move on to a new blog. 

Starting the new year in December

I am not sure why in years past I always waited until January first to begin changing my life.  I just realized that there isn’t any benefit in waiting until January, if there is something that has to be done it should just be done as soon as posible. 

I started weight training yesterday.  It went well but I didn’t have enough time to finish everything.  Part of it was that I went in to work early.  Today I am not doing that and I am only working lower body and core so one hour should be enough. 

I am back to 10lbs dumbbells for flys and 15lbs for bench press with dumbbells.  I need to work my way back up to the 20’s before I can use the bar but I am confident I will get there soon.

I finished lesson 2 today (French) and I will work on my vocabulary later at work.  I hope I have time to make a decent list.

Alright… quick update.  Now time to get ready and head to the gym.

A little about my social life

It is quite late, or extremely early.  It depends on how you look at it.  4:37am on a Sunday Morning. A long time ago I realized that I isolated myself from everyone while I was with my ex.  That cost me my individuality and self esteem.  It has taken a while to rebuild my social life and 20 min ago, while I was driving back home from Breakfast at Perkins with Mrs. Aquarious-T, I couldn’t help but feel very happy and lucky that I am able to spend time with multiple people on a given day, like today.  I am content spending all day alone at home but then I’m ready to go hang out with individual people at different venues.  Tonight I went to the Movies to see Harry Potter 7 – part 1 with Mrs. Pisces-L.  That was great.  The last time I saw a Harry Potter movie with someone that enjoyed it was probably when HP6 came out and I went to see it with a group of friends from my old job.  Connecting on that level with someone is extremely comforting. Then I met up with my friends at a country show.  It was nice to enjoy the music without having to start a conversation.  I did mingle with a few people at the bar but I wasn’t interested in talking with anybody.  After the show I met up with Mrs. Aquarious-T and we had a fun breakfast followed by a very interesting conversation until about 4am.  To some it might sound like a lame day but for me it is more important to be with people that I like than any other thing in the world.  A day spent with a friend or a loved one is more valuable than a day spent doing any other activity.  With that I’d like to thank all of those people that put up with me regularly, I know I can be difficult sometimes but I do appreciate your friendship.  You know who you are!

Getting Dumber

It really hasn’t been that long since I stopped going to school, only since the Spring semester, but I have noticed that I can’t think of certain things quickly enough.  I think I need to do something to exercise my mind.  Today I downloaded my Rosetta Stone to my new desktop computer.  I bought levels 1, 2 and 3 back in 2008 as a graduation gift to myself and the only level I have worked on is the 1st one.  It was 500ish dollars that I spent on this course and for different reasons I didn’t continue with my plan to learn French.  Today I decided that it is unacceptable to have the resources and not use them so starting today I will be studying French once again.  It is not enough for me to be bilingual as I have always wanted to learn French.  My mom pushed me to learn English because I would need it but I really didn’t want to learn it.  I don’t mind doing something because I have to but there has to be a balance between responsibilities and activities we do for fun.  Learning French I will do for fun and also because I spent a lot of money on this course.  It just HAS to be put to use.  So we’ll see how it works out… and hopefully it will help me to exercise my brain so that I don’t become dumber by the minute…

New Relationship…

Just when I gave up all faith in men I met Mr. Sagittarius.  It has been a whirlwind of exciting experiences since we got together.  I still can not believe that I am sitting here thinking about him while I have It’s always sunny in Philadelphia in the background.   It has been 5 weeks since we have been officially dating and I thought it would be a good time to sit down and ponder a little. 

Lesson 1 – Preconceived notions about certain age groups are not necessarily correct because we’re all different. I am talking about younger people… sometimes they are not as immature as I’d like to think.

Lesson 2 – Just because one person has treated you badly, you can’t assume everyone else will. 

Lesson 3 – Yes! there is someone that can keep up with me…

Lesson 4 – Never say Never… life throws us many curveballs and it is better to keep an open mind and to adapt to change.

Lesson 5 – there is always someone for everyone.

 

Life has taught me another lesson… we can not rush life.  Things happen for a reason and sometimes we have to struggle for a while in order to become a better version of ourselves in preparation for the rest of our lives.  I feel that I have learned a very valuable lessons in the last 5 weeks and I value and respect Mr. Sagittarius even more as time passes.  I never thought that I would meet anybody who got even close to Princess but this one has met and exceeded my expectations. I feel that I have found what I was looking for… a good friend to spend time with, someone I have learned to appreciate and to respect.  In my book, that is priceless…

surprise, surprise, really?

One day I woke up and I didn’t need you.  That day was the saddest day of my life because at one point I was willing to give my life for you.  It took a year of experimenting to finally come to the conclusion that we were never good for each other.  I wish we hadn’t spent so many years together.  I wish I had been wiser when I was young.  In some ways I am lucky to have lived through the hardships and the disappointments you brought to me.  Now I am a bigger cynic that I ever was.  I am sure that I would be a completely different person right now had I not met you when I was so inexperienced but I can’t help to think that maybe we would have had a better chance if I hadn’t been so naive.

I had a dream about you a couple nights ago.  I can’t remember it right now but I didn’t like dreaming about you.  Then you sent me that email for Thanksgiving and you made me remember going to Idaho to see your dad.  The awesome drive through South Dakota and that rest area… Drug wall, Montana, The badlands, Devil’s tower and the great Lava Hot springs…

I don’t know how to do this…

same story again…

Update: November 23rd, 2010.

Note: Due to a request by the person mentioned below, his name has been modified to hide his real identity as the content of my blog may hurt his current and future family life.  This blog is for me to express myself and it is not intended to affect the parties involved in any way. 

************************************************************************

September 3 Update: Mr. Aries got married on August 18 to Miss Unknown.  They have been together for approximately 2.5 yrs.  Apparently he didn't tell me he was engaged because he thought it'd be easier to persuade me to "spend time with him" if I only thought he had a girlfriend.

I am still chatting with him in hopes of some day inform his new wife of his behavior.

I really don't understand why men behave in this way.  What a disappointment.

*************************************************************************
June 18th…

I am deeply disappointed today.  It all started last night when I was talking to Mr. Aries.  The origin of my disappointment is not that I was talking to him but what came out of that exchange. 
As a single woman I understand that when one has a profile on a “dating'” website there is a chance of encountering cheaters, liars, psychos and others.  Luckily, for me, this is not generally the case as I have been very lucky to only get requests from people who are single.  The elimination process helps me find out more about the person through emails, chats, txt, and possibly phone calls with the obvious exchange of pictures and in the past webcam. So I am prepared for liars but how do I deal with honesty?
So, back to last night’s conversation.  Mr. Aries had been flirting with me for about a week now.  He found me on hot or not and soon after we started chatting.  We found that we have many things in common and that we both would like to meet each other.  So last night he asked me if I’d like to meet him, to this I said yes and I told him he could take me out on a date.  So after he said he would love to take me out on a date and after reminding me how amazing and attractive and just overall amazing I am, he decided to tell me that there is something he has to make me aware of.  He’s NOT SINGLE.
I was completely and utterly shocked at this.  Then he goes on to tell me that he didn’t expect to find me or to like me so much or to be so attracted to me and that he was on hot or not for fun.  Also, that he is not happy in his situation (of course – they always say that).
Really? Do you think I was born yesterday? Of course I know why you did it… and I don’t approve of that kind of behavior.  See not too long ago I started seeing someone who “wasn’t happy with his gf” and he left her (for me? I really doubt it) and then went on to date me.  Well that person is no longer in my life and the most I’ll say about that is that he lied to himself more than he lied to me.
So to all those men out there… you do NOT go on a dating website and have an active profile to interact with other women when you have a woman already.  It really reflects poorly on you and who’s going to take you seriously after that? When it is obvious that you are not a man but a scared kid who doesn’t have the balls to either fix his problems with his girlfriend or to end it and start fresh.  Also, for men who can’t be without a gf please just grow up.  It is only in our moments of solitude that we truly know ourselves.  So, if you’re just jumping from one girl to the next you’ll never find out what it is you truly are missing and if you don’t love yourself then you can’t love anybody else.
To you Mr. Aries, please figure out what you want and make sure you close your meet me profile on hot or not.  If you’re not single you shouldn’t be flirting with other girls.  It is inexcusable so don’t be such a baby. Grow up.  Boys are overrated.  When you are a real Man maybe I’ll talk to you again.  Just so you know, I’ve already deleted you form my contacts.

 

**********************************************************************

This blog was not deleted because it is part of my life and it contains my thoughts on the events that transpired this summer.  It is a way for me to go back and ponder on the decisions that I made.  Whether good or bad this is my space to be me.

This is why I don't do this stuff!!

There are a few things that should come with a manual... one of them is talking to the opposite sex.  I can successfully carry inappropriate conversations with them and joke around as if I were one of the "guys" but when it comes down to serious things I self destruct.  How can a girl learn what to say and what not to say to the person she is interested in without sounding like a total psycho or bimbo?  I wish there was a guide for that.  Since there isn't such guide I guess the best way to go about life is to just make lots of mistakes and hope that there will be one idiot left in the world who won't take us as desperate or stupid for that matter and who will want to take a chance and try to see if anything meaningful can be built with that crazy girl.  Yeah, I know that is A LOT of wishful thinking.  

What really kills me is why people don't communicate what they feel or what they don't feel to the other person before it becomes unbearable.  If someone senses that an undesirable is interested in them, shouldn't they be courteous enough to inform that undesirable that they are not on the list? 

Speaking of the list, how does one get on the list? I mean, I think big boobs might help but also pretty lips and eyes. I personally like blue or green eyes, blonde hair and a small waist.  But I don't look like that and I never will get on the list just based on looks.  I don't like to cook... though I can make some yummy dishes... I dislike cleaning hence the messy apartment.  I love little white dogs and I am not afraid to admit that most of the time I really enjoy just laying in bed all morning. So, these characteristics don't necessarily scream "girlfriend" so as of recently I had opted to just be the friend with benefits, of course, and that had been working wonderfully for a while but being the girl that I am... I grew tired of it.  I am not sure what it was.  I think it was the lack of interaction with an actual person..  It became too much about the one activity and we left the people out of it.  I enjoyed it throughly while it lasted though.

So, back to the reason why I am writing this blog.  Men trick women into thinking that they are interested in us.  That way they lower our walls and get something they want.  Different men want different things.  But they are usually interested in things that will boost their self esteem.... it can be as little as a compliment every day, the knowledge that a girl is thinking of them, the knowledge that even if they don't do anything - someone is out there ready to talk to them; and finally, power.  Yeah, it is the old tale that attention empowers people because it gives the recipient of all this attention the ego boost they need to do well in other areas of their life.  The problem here is that they do not reciprocate the favor to the stupid girl who is sitting alone at home on Friday night saving herself for this one dude.  Sad, isn't it?

So, why do smart and attractive women let themselves be lured into such a meaningless and unfulfilled game? Because deep down we want to believe in the stories we heard when we were little.  That love exists and that there is someone out there waiting to find how wonderful you are and because of this belief we keep trying and trying until we've dated every single loser in the city... isn't there more to life than this?

Ella

A new season

It has been a little over a year since I declared my independence from an unhealthy relationship.  It was the beginning of a difficult year on my own.  Along with the heartbreak came another blow to my confidence when I had to leave my comfortable job right at the beginning of the semester.  That didn't help me do any better in school which was another painful blow to my self esteem.  I had never before struggled in school that bad.  I did my homework and showed up to class and read the book but somehow nothing would stick so I dropped my chemistry class and decided to try to focus on my biology class.  Now I realize that I should have taken a break.  I was not in the right state of mind to continue my education successfully, I was in denial.  I never realized how hard it would be to start a new job, school and deal with a break up on my own.

During last fall I tried to find ways to find myself.  In the last 4 years, during my relationship, I lost myself in this vicious cycle that revolved around "him" and his needs.  I had a couple good friends who were helpful at times but who also were busy with their own lives.  I had lacked affection for so long that I did everything in my power to get some of that affection back.  The interesting thing is that I searched for it sexually.  I really wasn't interested in feelings because I feared that feeling you get when you fall in love with someone, yes the one that makes you do crazy things when you're not together.

This year I feel like a new person.  I am not sad or depressed or in need of physical contact to be happy.  I still have some things to work on but that will just take more time.  I am, however, in need of support.  In the last year I have forged a very strong bond with Ms Kittleson.  I am so glad that we have been able to get along so well because she's helped me get through all of this with a positive attitude and a smile.  She fulfills my need to have a good friend and I value her a lot for that.  I also have a need for something else but I am not brave enough to explore that yet.

A few of my friends have told me that I should consider dating again.  I have been debating this for a few weeks now and I can't find any more reasons why I shouldn't.  As long as my freedom is respected, I have no problem in giving dating a try.  Last years experiment with Mr Fish did not go too well.  I feel bad because I have a feeling that I may have made things worse with him.  He doesn't seem to mind too much that it didn't work out so I am not too concerned about it.  I just had to say it.

So as the fall begins and the weather gets colder, the leaves start falling and we start planning what to wear on Halloween, I will open my mind and heart to the possibility of dating.  Maybe this time I'll enjoy the ride a little more.  Who knows maybe unexpected things could happen.

Ironman Wisconsin 2010 ... from the volunteer aid station on Whalen Rd

The day started early at 5:30am waking up and getting dressed.  Took the dogs out and realized it was a little cooler than I thought.  I couldn't even complain that I had to be up so early since the participants probably had to get up at 3am to make their way downtown to the Monona terrace.
It took me a little longer than planned to get ready and I thought that my aid station would be roughly 6 miles away from my house so I left my apartment around 6:40am.  I decided to bike to it since I live on the IM bike course.  I started biking and after 20 minutes I noticed that I was off course.  I turned around and found the right street.  After 5 miles I started wondering if I was still on the right course or if I had taken another wrong turn.  Then I saw some signs from the ironman race and knew I was on the right track. After 10 minutes I started wondering if the aid station would be set up already since it was 7am and I thought of all the athletes who would be starting their long race to the finish.  Ironman is a very demanding race that calls for a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike and a 26.2 mile run.
The road started to take me into the country and farther away from the city, this I was not expecting.  After another couple miles it got really hilly and that I wasn't expecting either since I didn't stretch that well in the morning before I left my house.  I was expecting a 15 min easy bike ride and it became a 30 min challenging ride.  I finally made it to the aid station, found the person in charge and checked in.  I was given my pretty blue volunteer shirt and she didn't give me any directions at all.  I went towards the tables and started asking around.  An older woman introduced me to her daughters and her son.  They are all from Monona and I told them that I wasn't too far from there.  We talked for a few minutes until about 7:40 when it was announced that the first swimmer was out of the water.  We started preparing to do our job, give the cyclists water, Gatorade, food, gu, power bars, or help them in any other way we could without actually touching them since that would DQ them.
The aid station director finally gave us a crash course on how to hand cyclists water/Gatorade bottles.  It looked pretty easy and the key was to move with them.  So as the elites started showing up we were a little bummed that they didn't take anything but then again, we were at the first aid station so I wasn't shocked.  Then after some 30 to 40 min we started getting the first pack of real people** and that is when we realized that handing those bottles wasn't as easy as we expected when they were going anywhere from 15 to 25 mph.  Some people slowed down enough to take the bottles from our hands with ease but others expected us to run as fast as we could to hand them to them and some even requested specific flavors and caps off or caps on.  After the first 15 min I got really good at timing my run to keep up with the athletes and hand them their bottles.  It really helps when they point at the person that they are going to take the bottle from because then you can time it a little better.  Eye contact is key here and being extremely predictable.  During the first hour or so I saw my friend and handed him a Gatorade, that was very cool.  It took until about 9:30 before we started setting up the tables on the other side of the road since we'd see the athletes again on their way back to the transition area.
During this time we ate some hot dos, burgers, and brats that the aid station organizers grilled there.  I had some time to catch up with an old co-worker.  I met really awesome people there.  There were fans of the sport who, like me,  were there just for the fun of being a part of a huge event that touches so many people, others where there to ensure that they would be first in line today to register for the 2011 race*** and others were cheering on their loved ones. There were also last year's participants who wanted to volunteer because they appreciated the volunteers' work so much during their own race.

I started to get anxious around 11:30 because we knew that the triathletes in the lead were not too far away.  There was a gorgeous woman who had a laptop and she had been helping us track the progress of the athletes we knew but then she informed us that the bike splits weren't being updated on the website.  I was sad because there was no real way to time my departure since I wanted to see my friend before I went downtown.  So we just started getting ready for the athletes to arrive.  It wasn't a very long wait before we saw the first few fly by the aid station.  At that point we knew we wouldn't be as busy as we were at the beginning.  I figured that most of them just needed to get some food down before they got to the transition area to make sure they got that kick of energy by the time they started the run.

There was a guy that came flying down the road yelling POWAH BAH!!!  and he totally missed the table where they had them but at the same time he was going sooo fast that nobody had time to get him what he wanted.  We had to laugh at the whole situation but after that we prepared our tables better to have more of a variety of things in case the athletes missed them in the earlier tables.  When the big packs of cyclists started arriving we were on a roll handing mostly water, bananas and gu although some of them did ask for Gatorade and powerbars.  I have to say that a lot of the athletes expressed how thankful they were to the volunteers as they flew past the aid station. That validated the hard work and it just made me want to do it again next year. I saw my friend fly by and then I decided to stay until 2:30ish which would give us enough time to make it downtown in time to see the first finisher.  So we packed my bike in my friend's trunk and headed back downtown.  Traffic was not as bad as we thought but it still took us almost 35 min to get to the ramp on Carol St.  We walked to the square and as we were making our way around the finish line to be on the left side we watched the first finisher.

We spent the rest of the afternoon at the finish line clapping and cheering for every single finisher.  Some of them were happy, others were sad, others were in pain but regardless of how they felt in the end they crossed the finish line and accomplished something great and became an inspiration to everybody else.

Later at dinner a first time ironman saw that we had volunteer shirts on and started asking us a lot of questions about the volunteers and he was genuinely thankful for all the help.  I was then free to enjoy my wings and to go home to watch the ironman live feed until midnight while feeling very happy that I was able to be a part of this event.

It was a long day but it was nothing compared to the participant's day.  They are trully amazing... each one of them.

Congratulations to all Ironman Wisconsin 2010 finishers!!!





** Elites are the professionals and real people would be everybody else

*** volunteers get to be first in line the morning after the race to sign up for next year's race and their volunteer shirts are their pass to get ahead of everybody else.

Watch out girls!

So, athleticmichiganmale (yahoo) is very rude.  He feels that a woman should do all the work for him when it comes to dating/hanging out.  That him being out of town is enough justification to his lazy behavior.  He is extremely passive aggressive and he feels that this is okay. So last week he said that maybe we should hang out.  He actually asked me to clear my schedule all weekend to hang out with him (weirdo) and I said no… we could go somewhere where we could meet but that was it.  So Thursday he said that he’d like to come over and hang out Friday night around midnight or after (yeah right!!! see where he’s going here?) and I told him NO.  I told him that he could NOT come over so late at night.  So he thought I was being silly and I stopped talking to him that night.  On Saturday afternoon while I was biking he asked if we were meeting.  I asked him for a place and a time and he replied asking me where I wanted to go.  Now, understand that drinking and bars are not in my top list of “hangout places” so I wasn’t feeling like getting intoxicated with a complete stranger from out of town.  So I said that I was biking and that he should figure out where he wanted to go and at what time.  He then said that I was being ridiculous and that I was a nutcase.  So I told him “later” and I thought I wouldn’t hear from him again.  BUT! NO! later at night he IM’ed me and he reiterated how much of a bitch I was and how upset he was.  So I just took it and told him that I took all the blame and that I wished him luck.  I thought that would be the end of it but NO!! he had to IM me again tonight.  So we got into it again (same crap from last night) and then he started trying to offend me with comments about how I am the reason why people end up missing and stuff like that.  Then he said that I should go back to school because I had a lot of typos.

OMG!!! I thought he was using slang but he said: “you are the reason why people end up missing”

I didn’t get that at first… but now that I think about it, it is very scary.  Does it sound like a threat?  I think so. 

 

Hmmm I blocked him.  I don’t know what he meant by that comment but please watch out.  It is extremely scary, now that I think about it.  Was he trying to say that because I didn’t go out I’d end up missing?  he actually laughed when he said that the first time and he said it a couple times. 

 

Hmmmm!!!!!! IDK what to think.

 

I’m a little bothered about it.

Whelping Puppies

So according to my predictions Nisha's puppies were due the first week of August but they came on the 23rd of July. So that morning I noticed that Nisha hadn't eaten anything. She had a yellow/green creamy vaginal fluid at around 2pm which I washed in the bathroom since it was kinda sticky. Her belly felt harder than in previous days and she kept drinking water and peeing a lot. I went to work and I worried that maybe she was suffering from an infection so I had my friend check on her later that night. Jamie came over and let both Nico and Nisha out. Nisha went out twice to pee but other than that didn't eat or do much. Jamie worried that maybe the puppies would come early so she adviced me to get her box ready. I planned on getting that ready on the weekend since I'd be off work. So that was before 7pm. For a couple hours I was a bit worried about Nisha but after 9 pm I had this feeling of calm. I left work at 11pm and when I came home I found Nico on edge and Nisha was very happy and eager to go outside. Her back was very dirty and she appeared much skinnier than she was. I feared the worst. I let her out and she peed like 4 times and then she ran inside to a corner of the house. When I walked behind here I noticed there were three little puppies in the corner. They were perfectly clean and they were crying for mommy. I let Nisha take care of her puppies while I got her whelping box ready. I lined it with a plastic bag and I put some t-shirts and then I moved each puppy carefully and then Nisha positioned herself in the box. After that she was fine but I noticed that she was not very comfortable so a few days later I bought a plastic container, like the ones used to store things under the bed and there she has enough room to move around and the puppies can also crawl around if they don't want to be together all the time.
We just went through the first full week and they are definitely bigger... already 4 days into week 2 and I'm eager to see them open their eyes. Nisha doesn't spend as much time with them and she likes to socialize with me and Nico in the living room also I think that she likes the living room because of the AC.
Nisha:
Week one... Nisha had a hard time balancing her bodily functions and her motherly insticts. She had a little bit of diarrhea and I constantly had to wash the carpet for the fist 5 days. She was on Purina's Pro Plan food and I don't think that she liked that too much. I switched her food to Iams Healthy food - puppy and she is doing much better now. She goes out to pee regularly but she can hold it while I'm at work and she goes potty in the morning and at night.

Puppies:
The puppies still need stimulation to poop and they only nurse. Once they open their eyes I will try to introduce them to hard food moist in water. They probably won't start eating dog food for another couple weeks but I have to make the introduction.


To be continued...

Whip it!!

I love it when I watch a movie that makes me think. Whip it definitely had that effect on me today. It has made me consider what I am really good at and what I do because I enjoy it and not because I have to. It makes me sad that I can't think of anything. I don't do anything that I love. I guess I need to think about it more and then I'll update this post...

Nulliparous

I recently was asked why I wish to remain nulliparious and I answered with two of the most important reasons why I made that choice but I am uneasy because since I had to explain myself I can't help to constantly go over all the other reasons in my head.

So the two reasons I gave this person were that I feel like I already raised two kids (my siblings) and that I don't think my genes are good enough to be passed on to the next generation.

My issue with the whole thing though is that as a nulliparous woman I have to explain myself to everybody but yet people who want to have children don't need any explanation... how unfair is that?

I think people should take a moment to think about the consequences of their decisions. Having a child is just as important of a decision as choosing not to have children but yet I have to explain myself? I wish people who want to procreate were required to get a license to breed. It is crazy that we put more emphasis on breeding practices in dogs than in people.

I know this is turning into a rant but I just hate seeing people with bad genes get together with other people with worse genes to create a really below average human being. Having a child should not be done just because babies are cute or because you feel like that is something you have to do.

We forget what it is to have to survive because our lives are so different form any other animal and people who can't find a mate seem to be oblivious to the fact that even though we may not need to fight for our lives every day our brain is still programed to look for the better match that will allow offspring to be successful in the world. It is not personal, it's called survival.

I guess maybe I am just a silly girl that should shut her mouth but that is why I am writing it on here. This is my blog and I can blog about whatever I want.

I wish I could find a way to evade questions regarding this subject but I don't think that is going to happen and as I approach my 30s I will most likely get the same question asked in many different ways. So, I should just fasten my seat belt and hold on for the next twenty years...

40 days and 40 nights

so… all I'm going to say is it starts today and it’ll last until August 3rd.

Update 7/22/10 : Well it was a week ago that the whole thing failed... I will restart it again in September... grrrr

The “single” friend

I can’t believe I’m saying this but I have now become the “single” friend. What does that mean? well, it is when all or most of your friends are married or in serious relationships and you are not.  While we may try to convince ourselves that we’re happier this way and that we have more fun because we are single our married/paired friends are enjoying the life we want.  It is hard to hang out with people you envy.  Specially when they only hang out with other couples and in order to spend any time with them you have to go solo.  It is almost painful watching them interact with each other and to hear them plan their weddings and how they are going to decorate their houses and how many kids they are going to have.

I used to be more selective with my friends… I realize now that I have less friends than I thought and people just become acquaintances… some are closer than others but not quite in the friend category. 

 

Live and learn… let’s start over…

This is it…

I know that I’m supposed to love me before I love anybody else and for others to love me I need to love myself.  Well, then I guess I won’t fall in love anytime soon since I hate so much about me right now and that means that probably nobody is going to love me either.  Funny how that works.

 

I hate being fat. I wish I had a healthier relationship with food.  It is soooo frustrating to be in the best shape of my life and still look like a couch potato that stuffs her face with Doritos and cupcakes all day.

 

Never mind the triathlons, the 5k’s, and other sporting events.  It all comes down to is what size you are and if you are not the right size then you’re out of the game.

So instead of being happy with my achievements, I keep putting myself down.  You’re never thin enough, pretty enough, funny enough, sexy enough, etc.  So too bad if you don’t work out hard enough but make sure you don’t work out too much.  Don’t eat too much but make sure you eat enough.  Don’t drink too much but make sure to have fun.  Don’t sleep around too much but don’t be a prude.

 

REALLY?????  I QUIT!!!!!!

More of the same…

So it all starts with a few messages here and there, then it turns into sporadic conversations.  Then it progresses to day long conversations.  Then we exchange phone numbers and it goes from the messenger to texting all day.  Then we finally go out and things seem to go well. So I may decide to go all the way with him and just as sudden and magical as things were in the beginning, they turn cold then it’s over.

Forgive me if I don’t believe you when you say you’d  call because I know you wont.  I know this better than you do.  I wish you’d be honest and open enough to be clear with me from the beginning.  But I know it’s my fault for liking you too much.  Well get this, for you to be able to get in my pants I have to make a decision.  If I decide to let you get that far it is because I like you (unless I’ve clarified the terms of our relationship prior to) so don’t be inconsiderate.  If you only want sex, I’d really appreciate it if you’d communicate that to me from the beginning so I can know you are a jerk, but if I still sleep with you then I definitely don’t expect you to call the next week.

 

got it?

 

good.

So what if I have issues…

It was hard enough to grow up feeling ugly and fat.

It was hard enough watching the guy I was secretly in love with falling in love with my best friend.

It was hard enough being my friends’ go to person when they wanted to know about my (girl) friends and they were never interested in me.

It was hard living with a mom that tried very hard to let me know how fat and ugly I was.

It was hard breaking up with my first boyfriend because I was terrified that he just wanted to humiliate me.  I never believed that he actually liked me.

It was hard saying no to Ramon when he wanted to have a fun time at the hotel room because I know he only wanted to use me.

It was hard enough losing one of my best friends because she thought her bf and I were messing around behind her back, but it was harder saying no to him when we were both attracted to each other.

It was hard knowing that I needed to be smart because I was never going to be thin and pretty.

It was hard letting all my problems behind to feel that first kiss.

It was very hard to know he lied to me.

It was hard to become what I’ve become because even though I’ve had fun times, I love myself a little less…

Changing

So last night I watched “12 Monkeys” and i thought it was a phenomenal movie.  However, I remember watching it with my dad when I was a little girl and though I liked it, it seemed like a very edgy and boring movie.  It is interesting how our point of view and the way we grasp knowledge evolves through time. 

When I was younger the concept of right and wrong was simple and straightforward.  As an adult I have come to realize that right and wrong don’t exist.  The concept is bigger than black and white ideas.  Sometimes what may seem right to one person is completely wrong to a different one.  How do we divide the two?

Love to Hate Love

It’s now official. February is the lamest month in the whole year.  Why? because it doesn’t even have 30 days and the last week of January and most of February is utilized by the marketing world as a platform to push any stupid “Valentine’s” related item imaginable on anybody that will let them.  I went to Boston’s for dinner Friday night and they had posters on the doors with pictures of pizza in a heart shape not to mention the new menu dedicated to that special day.  Did anybody notice the difference in prices?  Hmm I did. 

I am sooo sick of February already that I wish I had a control like Adam Sandler in the movie “click” to fast forward to February 20th and then on to March. Does this month have to be useless to anybody who is single? 

The pressure to be sympathetic to your “not single” friends is on.  Having to endure endless conversations about their so called “special” day is nearly as bad as being stuck home watching a marathon of Julia Robert’s movies. 

Am I the only one that has a problem with the excessive emphasis being placed on being in happy relationship? 

So what to do on Valentine’s day?  My first thought was to go to the movies with my friends but as Miss K intelligently pointed out that there’s probably going to be a few cutesy date movies coming out that weekend.  So then I thought, well a nice dinner with my friends might be in order… well any decent restaurant will be catering to the other portion of the population that doesn’t have a “single” relationship status on facebook.

Am I to bury myself under my pillow and watch action and war movies all day on my laptop?  should I drink some Nyquil to sleep the day way?