Who ruined your self esteem?

I just read an article on iVillage called: Cruel Intentions: women out their first body bashers.  All of the stories there talk about a memory from childhood (pre puberty) about a child (usually the one they had a crush on) making a mean comment about their bodies.  Then they go on to say that such comment caused their low self esteem for the next X number of years.  Isn’t it sad how a small comment can have such a long lasting effect on somebody else's life?
I didn’t have to think for too long before I remembered who my first body basher was, my mom. 

I have always been more on the heavy side.  I wasn’t obese, just overweight.  I was always aware of my size compared to my friends at school.  They were shorter and their frames were smaller than mine.  I didn’t think that was a big deal as I was used to the way I looked, but then as I approached elementary school my mother started to make comments about my size and weight.  She complained about having to struggle to find the right size in the girls section at the store.  Before I was 7, I knew I was fat and that I needed to be on a diet.  My mother was very good at reminding me that I needed to lay off the sweets and that I should eat more vegetables.  As a young girl I tried to follow suit but I couldn’t stay away from junk food as my friends enjoyed snacks at school every day.  It didn’t get really bad until I became a teenager. 
In 5th grade I realized that I was not a pretty girl and that my overweight and the way I talked was more important to others than my personality so I just stopped caring what others thought of me.  I decided that my brain would have to define me, not my looks.  So I focused on being a smart girl rather than a pretty one.  I missed out on many experiences because of this.  When I look back at that period of time, I am happy that I was able to decide to focus on being smart rather than be pretty because that kept me out of trouble and free of eating disorders.  Sometimes it makes me extremely sad to think of all the girls that go through those years and fall prey to eating disorders. I wish my mom had had a healthier outlook in life and instead of telling me how fat and ugly I was all the time and how nobody would ever want me if I didn't change that she would have focused on leading a healthy active lifestyle.  I figured out on my own... 15 years later.  When I think about it I can't complain... better late than never.  I still have time to make adjustments to be who I want to be... not the perfect image my mom wants me to be.
So, there it is… my mom was my first and biggest body basher.  I still haven’t worked out all of my body image problems but I have readjusted the way I think about my body.  I am not even close to where I want to be but I am slowly getting there.  As long as the goal is healthy not looks, I think I’ll be on the right path.

I love you more when you’re cold and heartless…

Cold? heartless? yeah those two words have been used multiple times to describe me.  I am not sure why.  I am the sweetest person in this apartment… never mind the lack of other human beings since I live alone but I’m sure my two dogs would agree with me.  I lost my inspiration about this subject.  I think I’m going to move on to a new blog. 

Starting the new year in December

I am not sure why in years past I always waited until January first to begin changing my life.  I just realized that there isn’t any benefit in waiting until January, if there is something that has to be done it should just be done as soon as posible. 

I started weight training yesterday.  It went well but I didn’t have enough time to finish everything.  Part of it was that I went in to work early.  Today I am not doing that and I am only working lower body and core so one hour should be enough. 

I am back to 10lbs dumbbells for flys and 15lbs for bench press with dumbbells.  I need to work my way back up to the 20’s before I can use the bar but I am confident I will get there soon.

I finished lesson 2 today (French) and I will work on my vocabulary later at work.  I hope I have time to make a decent list.

Alright… quick update.  Now time to get ready and head to the gym.