This is why I don't do this stuff!!

There are a few things that should come with a manual... one of them is talking to the opposite sex.  I can successfully carry inappropriate conversations with them and joke around as if I were one of the "guys" but when it comes down to serious things I self destruct.  How can a girl learn what to say and what not to say to the person she is interested in without sounding like a total psycho or bimbo?  I wish there was a guide for that.  Since there isn't such guide I guess the best way to go about life is to just make lots of mistakes and hope that there will be one idiot left in the world who won't take us as desperate or stupid for that matter and who will want to take a chance and try to see if anything meaningful can be built with that crazy girl.  Yeah, I know that is A LOT of wishful thinking.  

What really kills me is why people don't communicate what they feel or what they don't feel to the other person before it becomes unbearable.  If someone senses that an undesirable is interested in them, shouldn't they be courteous enough to inform that undesirable that they are not on the list? 

Speaking of the list, how does one get on the list? I mean, I think big boobs might help but also pretty lips and eyes. I personally like blue or green eyes, blonde hair and a small waist.  But I don't look like that and I never will get on the list just based on looks.  I don't like to cook... though I can make some yummy dishes... I dislike cleaning hence the messy apartment.  I love little white dogs and I am not afraid to admit that most of the time I really enjoy just laying in bed all morning. So, these characteristics don't necessarily scream "girlfriend" so as of recently I had opted to just be the friend with benefits, of course, and that had been working wonderfully for a while but being the girl that I am... I grew tired of it.  I am not sure what it was.  I think it was the lack of interaction with an actual person..  It became too much about the one activity and we left the people out of it.  I enjoyed it throughly while it lasted though.

So, back to the reason why I am writing this blog.  Men trick women into thinking that they are interested in us.  That way they lower our walls and get something they want.  Different men want different things.  But they are usually interested in things that will boost their self esteem.... it can be as little as a compliment every day, the knowledge that a girl is thinking of them, the knowledge that even if they don't do anything - someone is out there ready to talk to them; and finally, power.  Yeah, it is the old tale that attention empowers people because it gives the recipient of all this attention the ego boost they need to do well in other areas of their life.  The problem here is that they do not reciprocate the favor to the stupid girl who is sitting alone at home on Friday night saving herself for this one dude.  Sad, isn't it?

So, why do smart and attractive women let themselves be lured into such a meaningless and unfulfilled game? Because deep down we want to believe in the stories we heard when we were little.  That love exists and that there is someone out there waiting to find how wonderful you are and because of this belief we keep trying and trying until we've dated every single loser in the city... isn't there more to life than this?

Ella

A new season

It has been a little over a year since I declared my independence from an unhealthy relationship.  It was the beginning of a difficult year on my own.  Along with the heartbreak came another blow to my confidence when I had to leave my comfortable job right at the beginning of the semester.  That didn't help me do any better in school which was another painful blow to my self esteem.  I had never before struggled in school that bad.  I did my homework and showed up to class and read the book but somehow nothing would stick so I dropped my chemistry class and decided to try to focus on my biology class.  Now I realize that I should have taken a break.  I was not in the right state of mind to continue my education successfully, I was in denial.  I never realized how hard it would be to start a new job, school and deal with a break up on my own.

During last fall I tried to find ways to find myself.  In the last 4 years, during my relationship, I lost myself in this vicious cycle that revolved around "him" and his needs.  I had a couple good friends who were helpful at times but who also were busy with their own lives.  I had lacked affection for so long that I did everything in my power to get some of that affection back.  The interesting thing is that I searched for it sexually.  I really wasn't interested in feelings because I feared that feeling you get when you fall in love with someone, yes the one that makes you do crazy things when you're not together.

This year I feel like a new person.  I am not sad or depressed or in need of physical contact to be happy.  I still have some things to work on but that will just take more time.  I am, however, in need of support.  In the last year I have forged a very strong bond with Ms Kittleson.  I am so glad that we have been able to get along so well because she's helped me get through all of this with a positive attitude and a smile.  She fulfills my need to have a good friend and I value her a lot for that.  I also have a need for something else but I am not brave enough to explore that yet.

A few of my friends have told me that I should consider dating again.  I have been debating this for a few weeks now and I can't find any more reasons why I shouldn't.  As long as my freedom is respected, I have no problem in giving dating a try.  Last years experiment with Mr Fish did not go too well.  I feel bad because I have a feeling that I may have made things worse with him.  He doesn't seem to mind too much that it didn't work out so I am not too concerned about it.  I just had to say it.

So as the fall begins and the weather gets colder, the leaves start falling and we start planning what to wear on Halloween, I will open my mind and heart to the possibility of dating.  Maybe this time I'll enjoy the ride a little more.  Who knows maybe unexpected things could happen.

Ironman Wisconsin 2010 ... from the volunteer aid station on Whalen Rd

The day started early at 5:30am waking up and getting dressed.  Took the dogs out and realized it was a little cooler than I thought.  I couldn't even complain that I had to be up so early since the participants probably had to get up at 3am to make their way downtown to the Monona terrace.
It took me a little longer than planned to get ready and I thought that my aid station would be roughly 6 miles away from my house so I left my apartment around 6:40am.  I decided to bike to it since I live on the IM bike course.  I started biking and after 20 minutes I noticed that I was off course.  I turned around and found the right street.  After 5 miles I started wondering if I was still on the right course or if I had taken another wrong turn.  Then I saw some signs from the ironman race and knew I was on the right track. After 10 minutes I started wondering if the aid station would be set up already since it was 7am and I thought of all the athletes who would be starting their long race to the finish.  Ironman is a very demanding race that calls for a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike and a 26.2 mile run.
The road started to take me into the country and farther away from the city, this I was not expecting.  After another couple miles it got really hilly and that I wasn't expecting either since I didn't stretch that well in the morning before I left my house.  I was expecting a 15 min easy bike ride and it became a 30 min challenging ride.  I finally made it to the aid station, found the person in charge and checked in.  I was given my pretty blue volunteer shirt and she didn't give me any directions at all.  I went towards the tables and started asking around.  An older woman introduced me to her daughters and her son.  They are all from Monona and I told them that I wasn't too far from there.  We talked for a few minutes until about 7:40 when it was announced that the first swimmer was out of the water.  We started preparing to do our job, give the cyclists water, Gatorade, food, gu, power bars, or help them in any other way we could without actually touching them since that would DQ them.
The aid station director finally gave us a crash course on how to hand cyclists water/Gatorade bottles.  It looked pretty easy and the key was to move with them.  So as the elites started showing up we were a little bummed that they didn't take anything but then again, we were at the first aid station so I wasn't shocked.  Then after some 30 to 40 min we started getting the first pack of real people** and that is when we realized that handing those bottles wasn't as easy as we expected when they were going anywhere from 15 to 25 mph.  Some people slowed down enough to take the bottles from our hands with ease but others expected us to run as fast as we could to hand them to them and some even requested specific flavors and caps off or caps on.  After the first 15 min I got really good at timing my run to keep up with the athletes and hand them their bottles.  It really helps when they point at the person that they are going to take the bottle from because then you can time it a little better.  Eye contact is key here and being extremely predictable.  During the first hour or so I saw my friend and handed him a Gatorade, that was very cool.  It took until about 9:30 before we started setting up the tables on the other side of the road since we'd see the athletes again on their way back to the transition area.
During this time we ate some hot dos, burgers, and brats that the aid station organizers grilled there.  I had some time to catch up with an old co-worker.  I met really awesome people there.  There were fans of the sport who, like me,  were there just for the fun of being a part of a huge event that touches so many people, others where there to ensure that they would be first in line today to register for the 2011 race*** and others were cheering on their loved ones. There were also last year's participants who wanted to volunteer because they appreciated the volunteers' work so much during their own race.

I started to get anxious around 11:30 because we knew that the triathletes in the lead were not too far away.  There was a gorgeous woman who had a laptop and she had been helping us track the progress of the athletes we knew but then she informed us that the bike splits weren't being updated on the website.  I was sad because there was no real way to time my departure since I wanted to see my friend before I went downtown.  So we just started getting ready for the athletes to arrive.  It wasn't a very long wait before we saw the first few fly by the aid station.  At that point we knew we wouldn't be as busy as we were at the beginning.  I figured that most of them just needed to get some food down before they got to the transition area to make sure they got that kick of energy by the time they started the run.

There was a guy that came flying down the road yelling POWAH BAH!!!  and he totally missed the table where they had them but at the same time he was going sooo fast that nobody had time to get him what he wanted.  We had to laugh at the whole situation but after that we prepared our tables better to have more of a variety of things in case the athletes missed them in the earlier tables.  When the big packs of cyclists started arriving we were on a roll handing mostly water, bananas and gu although some of them did ask for Gatorade and powerbars.  I have to say that a lot of the athletes expressed how thankful they were to the volunteers as they flew past the aid station. That validated the hard work and it just made me want to do it again next year. I saw my friend fly by and then I decided to stay until 2:30ish which would give us enough time to make it downtown in time to see the first finisher.  So we packed my bike in my friend's trunk and headed back downtown.  Traffic was not as bad as we thought but it still took us almost 35 min to get to the ramp on Carol St.  We walked to the square and as we were making our way around the finish line to be on the left side we watched the first finisher.

We spent the rest of the afternoon at the finish line clapping and cheering for every single finisher.  Some of them were happy, others were sad, others were in pain but regardless of how they felt in the end they crossed the finish line and accomplished something great and became an inspiration to everybody else.

Later at dinner a first time ironman saw that we had volunteer shirts on and started asking us a lot of questions about the volunteers and he was genuinely thankful for all the help.  I was then free to enjoy my wings and to go home to watch the ironman live feed until midnight while feeling very happy that I was able to be a part of this event.

It was a long day but it was nothing compared to the participant's day.  They are trully amazing... each one of them.

Congratulations to all Ironman Wisconsin 2010 finishers!!!





** Elites are the professionals and real people would be everybody else

*** volunteers get to be first in line the morning after the race to sign up for next year's race and their volunteer shirts are their pass to get ahead of everybody else.