What is this feeling… part 2

Well… I have untangled my feelings since my last post and I think that I understand why I was feeling so upset with my boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend.  She was behaving like she’s the most important thing in the world and like her thoughts and ideas are the shit we’ve all been waiting for since the beginning of time.  Actually, my biggest problem with her is that she is trying to change a young man who’s future is so bright and exciting she could perish just because her plans involve getting married and having kids in the near future where her boyfriend’s plans involve a masters degree in Guam (2yrs) and a possible PhD in Australia.

If you’ve been reading my blog then you know that I am a huge advocate for a life that involves travel and that has nothing to do with marriage and having children.  Now, you may be wondering why.  Well, I actually have a LOT of respect for the next generation.  Children are great and they are the future and I just don’t want to mess up a kid’s life because I want to live my life traveling and learning new languages.  I like being like a nomad.

So, the obvious question would be “why do you even care what she thinks or does?” 

I don’t… but I am around the backlash of it…- luckily only until Thursday of next week- and I feel so impotent because it is NOT my place to say anything to him and I can’t really tell her off because she’s not on my back she’s on her BF’s back about all this.  grr… ok I’m back to worrying about my own life… I’ll leave those two alone and see what happens… even if it bothers me a lot.

That uncomfortable feeling in my gut.

This might be the most unfair thing to say to someone who shouldn’t matter to me at all but I seriously can not stand my boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend.  Everything she does and everything she says is just sooo utterly annoying and bothersome.  I have reached a point where I can’t even hear anybody talk about her because that feeling in my gut starts to simmer until I feel so disgusted that I could literally text her and inform her that she is no longer welcome in my phone.

To be fair she has never done anything to me but if you have ever met someone that just didn’t feel right deep down then you’ll understand. 

Writing about it makes me feel so much better because I live with my boyfriend’s family and as you can imagine I can’t really walk up to people and tell them how I feel.  For all I know they LOVE her but I really don’t know a thing.  For all I know they HATe me but again, I really don’t know that either so I need to thread lightly because I could make the rest of my stay in this house hell if I end up offending my hosts.

I think it’s easier to dislike her when her boyfriend makes fun of her on a regular basis and so I don’t feel so guilty for feeling the way I feel.  My boyfriend is not really that charmed by her and luckily I am able to share “some” of my feelings with him but I try not to be too open about that situation just to cover my tracks. 

ugh… I should try to be more productive and do something tonight but I really don’t feel like it at all so I’m just gonna go drink with my bf and his dad. 

My best friend in the whole world just got home and I need to leave…

What is this feeling so sudden and new?

Loathing… well that just reminds me of Wicked (my absolute favorite musical of all time).  Have you ever met someone who you didn’t really have a problem with?  Someone whose faults you identified, discarded and moved on without letting any of it bother you but then for whatever reason you were exposed to this person for an extended period of time and all of a sudden you loath them?  Well that is what happened to me and I don’t know if I can help it.  I think part of the problem is that this person has an issue with someone that I love and also because there are things that I hate about other women and the world and this person is trying to make someone part a mold they do not agree with.  It is just so difficult for me to figure out why some women want to spend their lives trying to control people.  It really pushes the wrong buttons for me and while initially I may have been able to deal with such people, it gets to a point where I can’t even see them or hear their voices… I just feel like I’m DONE……..

Bad thoughts

When does fantasizing become a problem? Is it healthy to think of someone else fulfilling an area that your partner doesn't fill?
Fantasizing doesn't mean you don't love your partner but it shows you what you may be lacking. Excitement?  Comedy? Tenderness?
I've complained about the same thing in the past but it is something that keeps reinforcing my idea that we are not necessarily "meant" to be with one specific person. You choose to be with someone and he chooses to be with you but is there room for change in the future?  If we become stagnant then the bond will sever and it could die. You could loose interest or look for a spark with someone else.
Those things are normal but they get annoying. I'm sick and tired of fantasizing about this guy and I making out. Surely you picked up on what is missing for me. I don't always want to have sex... sometimes making out is all I want but that's not something I can get with my partner so I just think about making out with a friend who obviously likes me. That is where my problem is.... I don't want to think of making out with a friend. I am afraid of being alone with him for extended periods of time because I find him attractive but I don't want to compromise my integrity or my relationship with my boyfriend.
I hate this feeling and at the same time I like it because it makes me 'feel'.

New blog but not a replacement

I wanted to let you guys know that I have a new blog that will be dedicated to my travel experiences.  Here is the page: http://nomadmcb.blogspot.com/

Feel free to check it... I will be adding things as I visit new places.  I hope you like it..

This one will remain my rant/diary/journal blog so please let those comments come in.  I appreciate your thoughts. :)

First day at the new job

It was long...  well let me explain a little more. 
It has been a long time since I haven't had to be in charge. I work at a call center and since I'm not a supervisor I just sit pretty and wait to get calls. That is why the day seemed to go so slowly, it is not that the job is boring or too slow but it is more an adjustment for me. I hope it doesn't take me a long time to adjust. So far it has been pretty nice. I am happy to have left my old job. I don't want to deal with a lot of stress right now.
The only thing that is a bit annoying is not having a clear expectation of when I'll be working.
Training has been scarse to say the least. Luckily I learn fast and I have been able to process calls on my own since day one.
I think I made a good choice for a temporary job. This company seems laid back, friendly and not overly demanding.
Only time will tell.

You’re ugly no matter what they say

Well, not really but some days I do feel hideous.  Today for example.  Never mind that I didn’t even try to look nice.  I have been wearing sweats all day and a t-shirt.  I just looked at a picture of my boyfriend and his cousin (?) and step brother and they all look so young and skinny… The only thing I could think as I saw that picture is… thank god I am not there because I would have been the only fat person in that picture.  I also have been eating like a pig today… not really… just the oreos.  According to my calendar I am 3 days away from getting my period.  That shouldn’t be an excuse to put on 5bls and load up on chocolate, should it?

Every year I say that I am going to get thin but it never happens.  Some say that I should learn to love myself the way I am but sometimes it is very hard.  I say that while watching Jessica Alba in Honey in all of her skinny gorgeous latina beauty… I wonder what it would feel like to look like her… I don’t want to be her… I just want to be her size.  It baffles me to be lucky enough to have a boyfriend… geesh… that’s totally crazy when you think about it!!!!

Hmmmm  I suppose that I should stop complaining and hit the gym more often… eat half my meal and starve to skinny.  Somehow, that plan sounds horrible, doesn’t it?

The pine leaf boys @Blue moon saloon.... (hostel)

This band is quite similar to other bands in the south with a little bit of southern attitude. The lead singer is likeable and charismatic enough though he seems to like to flirt with the girls standing close to the stage.
The base player is good and the drums are nice and energetic.  The surprise of the night for me was the violinist who is a young red head who also sings in cajun French.
To make things more authentic this show is happening at a hostel/bar that has a feel of cabin in the woods meets country bar.
Very friendly athmosphere with local dancers by the stage and an eclectic crowd makes for a good night out in Lafayette whether you're on a date or just out with a bunch of friends. I highly recommend it.

Weird dream

I just woke up. I was having a strange dream where both David and I went back to college. We did not go back in time, it was us at our current age in college taking freshmen classes.
We went to a couple lectures and then we checked our schedules and noticed that we had a strange class together. It was about drinking. So he goes to the front of the classroom and I stay behind with other freshman girls. A chick looks at me and asks if I need Tylenol.  I accepted the stuff but she gave me 5 different pills. I took them and put them in my purse but I swallowed the Tylenol.
The girls started asking hypothetical questions about dealing with other girls when they want to steal your boyfriend and things like that. I thought we were kidding so I said "I'd beat her up and he'd get a piece of me too".... or something stupid like that. Then the commotion started at the front of the classroom where about 6 people, including David, were drinking.  They paired up. David starts licking the other guy's blue hair. This lasts about 35 seconds then the guy gets up, turns around and starts making out with David. They're both french kissing each other in a very intense way and I'm there motionless and speechless at this. Suddenly with a rush of heat below my belly I decide that I like this. I like to watch him being kissed and the intensity is great.  Then rationality kicks in and I can't stand to watch him like that. So I opened my eyes and woke up.

Bad dream

I dreamt that I was getting married in a pretty white dress that made me feel like a princess and it made me look thin. I was a few minutes late for my ceremony and I didn't have a lot of help with decorations so everything was very simple. My mom was there. After the ceremony we went back home and kept talking about the times for mass because we wanted to go to one.
That's pretty much it. It felt weird and out of place.

February 15th, 2013

I haven’t written here in a long time.  It just seems that I get a greater urge to write when I am not feeling well or when I feel depressed.  Today that is not the case. 

Through a series of painful and not so painful experiences, I have learned that most of the things I expected from being in a relationship are plain wrong.  Fairy tales, telenovelas, movies, tv shows… they all give us expectations that may or may not solidify in the real world.  I spend many nights upset and sad over a conversation that didn’t go in the direction I wanted or I felt that my relationship had reached an important milestone but my boyfriend wasn’t all the way there with me.  Those expectations were all wrong.

Last night I felt loved and completely happy. I wasn’t afraid that he was going to leave me or that I would want to leave him.  I felt that we were working towards a common goal and that we’ll make it to India and that we’ll leave this job and this city soon.  I was laying in bed and I felt completely happy. Neither of us said ILY but I felt loved.  I used to resent him for not saying the L word but now I realize how foolish I was to resent him over a word… a prefabricated idea that gets shoved down our throats.  Love is more than saying a word.  Love is how we live life.