Misplaced feelings

Well... spending time near children always reinforces my decision to never become a biological mother. For some reason, in the middle of a report at work, I thought of how my ex (princess) blamed his cheating and getting a woman pregnant on me because he wanted to pass on his genes and he wanted to give his mom a grandson but since I didn't want to have kids he thought he would just sleep with that woman.   I mean... what a jerk, right?
I have always felt that if he really wanted to be with me because he loved me, he would have never been able to sleep with someone else with the intention of making a baby. Why would he want to have a baby with somebody else if he loved me? That makes no sense, right? So, I have to rule out love and stick with .... (blank).

As if I never had the wish to have children... I suppose I wouldn't be a healthy woman if I was completely disconnected with that side of my being but you know what? I believe that it would be extremely selfish and narcissistic to make a new baby when there are so many little babies who new parents because they've lost theirs (for whatever reason). Aren't we a cruel species? Wait... hold that thought. Wolves eat females' puppies so I guess we're not AS cruel in that instance. Can you imagine a man eating a woman's baby just to mate with her? That's messed up!!!

I have to be strong and make sure that my integrity and my beliefs aren't questioned by anybody, including myself. However,  sometimes it's too easy to do it.

I had a conversation with my BF's dad this weekend and he said that he doesn't believe in the idea that men and women get together sexually but without wanting to procreate with each other. The idea that you'd want to have sex with someone but not have a baby with them seems selfish and it's like you're not serious about the other person.

I wonder how much truth there is in his idea. That wanting to have a kid with someone would bring you closer to them. I have to look at society to know that that's not true.  Why do religious groups believe that if you don't have kids with someone it must be because you lead a life of sin? What is up with that? What about the women who end up doing nothing more than working as maids for a man and their children. What about women's opportunities to work and to study. Why is there such a burden to us and why is this big sacrifice expected of us and us alone?

Anyway... cheating is bad and sex without getting pregnant is good. I don't care what the world says. Having kids just to pass on your genes is bad. Sleeping with someone to pass on your genes without intending to marry her and be there for the child is SO WRONG...

I've had a messed up life...

So embarrassed

So, my bf has been reading this blog for as long as he’s known me. 

 

well… that’s very embarrassing. 

 

I don’t regret my thoughts.  I regret not blocking this blog before, but there is no point in hiding it now, is there?

 

It’s kind of nice, in a way, that there are no secrets between us (I think).  The bad that comes with this knowledge is that I feel like he knows things about me that he may misinterpret and at the same time, I don’t know many things about him so the knowledge we share about each other is not equal or even close to what he knows about me.  This makes me nervous in many ways. 

 

Maybe if I want to keep things a secret I would NOT have a blog online…  I suppose that’s a good idea. 

 

I guess I’m not that smart.

My review of Divergent (the movie)

***Spoilers *** 

3 out of 5 stars. ***Spoilers***
The first hour of the movie is exciting and engaging. It takes us through Beatrice's world and its changes. Once we focus on her training at the dauntless facility and the development of the actual outside (conspiracy theory) story, we run into problems. If you haven't read the book(s), my guess is you are going to be very confused because there are scenes that really don't make sense and they were there just to show some of the quotes from the book. 4 and Tris' relationship doesn't progress well. I really could have done without the tatoo/kissing scene (even though that was huge in the book). The last 40 min of the movie felt extremely rushed. They spent so much time showing us Tris' world that the movie makers forgot that there is a world outside of Tris' reality and by the time they tried to introduce it to us, well it was too late for any of us to really care about them. We never really fall in love with Will or Al so it's not sad to see Tris shoot Will nor did it make me sad to see Al end his life. The only relationship that came close to being satisfactory (for me) was Eric's ruthlessness as a trainer and as a leader. With a cast so amazing, you'd think that they would squeeze as much talent out of them as possible, nope. Most of them are pretty much forgotten. Mekhi Phifer was given a couple lines and a little bit of screen time at the end during the simulation. Kate Winslet was given more screen time but they wrote in scenes that were not in the book. I would have liked them to show us more of her in Erudite headquarters so that we could learn who she was and what she was doing. It felt out of place for her to have SO much concern for Tris when she never really did in the book and what was going through heir minds with that final fight between Tris and Janine Mathews?? - that was out of place, out of character and totally useless. Theo James was AMAZING for as little as he actually influenced the plot of the movie. I was so excited to see him because he was great in Underworld awakening but in Divergent his character never really developed. He was limited to yelling at the transfers and running with Tris. There were cool scenes with him but we don't get to see his emotional depth until his fear landscape. The fear landscape was very well done but other than that, I don't think they let him shine. Shailene Woodley was pretty good. She carried the movie well and delivered a believable performance. The rest of the cast had too little dialogue or screen time to make an impression. I Loved the visual of destroyed Chicago and the feel of isolation and confinement. All the elements to make this a great adaptation were there but in many ways, they made the mistake of bringing the book to life instead of making an action movie. Sad, because I was very excited for it and now I just want to read the book again. Right now I'm not looking forward to Allegiant the movie unless some serious changes are made to the screen writers and the director.

 

See other reviews following the link here: movietickets reviews

An old one from my India trip.

Today has been a very difficult day. I have had to deal with the realization that I may not be a good English teacher after all and I've just wasted 5 weeks in India and about 3000 dollars. What a sad thought, isn't it?
I really thought this was for me but I think I was wrong. Now I'm very happy that I didn't  bring my dogs here and I will not be staying for 1 year.
There are things I know I'm good at and I should focus on those.
Today I realized, for the secon time since I've been here, that I'm completely terrified of anything related to phonetics. I would be much happier if I didn't have to deal with any of that but that would probably make me a terrible language teacher. Well, I'm obviously not a good teacher. I wonder if I could get any worse. Maybe I could but we'll never know.