What is wrong with him?

Okay so I am in this relationship that isn't going anywhere. I feel more comfortable calling him my roommate than my fiance. I hate it when he tries to spend time with me after pretty much ignoring me for a whole week. It doesn't seem genuine nor true. It feels more like something he is doing to make himself feel better because he knows that he has not been there for me for many days in a row. So in a few words, this is triggered by guilt.
I finally have a simple but efficient routine at night to deal with the loneliness that is thrust upon me every day and he wants to mess it up by "trying" to spend time with me. It really irritates me. It irritates me so much that I have to blog it because unfortunately I can' talk to him about my feelings. It always turns into me crying and he telling me all the things he knows I am or could be but that I really am not at the time. So basically he wants somebody else. I understand that, why doesn't he? And I've been very clear that I will NOT CHANGE just because he thinks I should. I am happy with who I am however I am not happy with the way he behaves.

I feel a little bit better now. He sends this stupid email about the stages of a relationship and the steps to identify problems or some stupid thing like that. As if I couldn't do a google search and find the same stuff. But they are just words. At least we can all agree after reading those that I resent him a lot. I resent him in many ways. I voice my problems to him and it makes me resent him even more. it makes me mad, and it obstructs my happiness.
Wow, what a screwed up relationship?

Why do women dig love stories?

Life is hard for women. Even though things have changed in this country in the last century, women are still struggling with the double standard. However, not all of our problems arise from our struggle to compete on the same level as men. We also retain some of our grandmother’s ideas about what love should be. We want romance. We dream about our knight in shining armor. We watch movies such as 10 things I hate about you, Ever After, Never Been Kissed, Life or something like it, 13 going on 30, Shakespeare in love, French Kiss, etc; but do we really wish for a movie like relationship? What happens in our head that makes us unable to see life for what it is? I’ve been thinking about that and maybe it’s because reality doesn’t fulfill our dreams. Men in our society are selfish and do not take the time to make their women feel loved and cherished. Many of them cheat on them, abuse them or simply ignore them. A reality like that makes me want to sit through Beaches once again. So why is it so hard in real life to experience that type of happiness and love/romance? Has Hollywood tarnished our view on what love truly is and left us crying for a stupid unreachable fairy tale? I do not think so. At some extent that fairy tale relationship that seems bliss and oblivious to any social problems is reachable. The problem is maintaining it ever after. Many newly weds and couples who cohabitate can relate to the honey moon period in a relationship. That is the most enjoyed by women (since I am not a man I can not speak for them but I am sure that they have many things to enjoy about this period as well) because it’s filled with romantic gestures, love making, admiration and happiness. So what happens? Why doesn’t it last? Do we have it all wrong?

While I was watching the movie 10 things I hate about you. I couldn’t stop to think about my most happy moment and that was back at the beginning of my relationship. Nothing has been able to top that. I was a princess. I was the shrew that found her true love and the world started to make sense then. I wondered how I could have lived without this person for so long. Now I wonder why I don’t live without this person. It’s been 3 years and I am very sad to say that things are not even close to that point. I had never been so happy and I am afraid that I will never reach that point again. It was like a dream. It was the dream I never let myself have because it could not exist. I mean, how could it? And even if it did, that didn’t mean it would happen to me. Well it happened to me but like all good things it was gone before I knew it.

Back then I was a goddess. I felt beautiful, appreciated, cared for, and loved. I have never done drugs before but I am guessing that being in love like that could be like a drug; a happiness drug that ruins the rest of your life.

Well that was a bit depressing but I am finding that my life could be pretty depressing. I’ve recently understood that none of the things I thought a couple should do work with my loved one. He seems to want to be alone or with other people before spending time with me and when he actually spends time with me he makes me feel like he’s doing this huge chore and that he should be rewarded for it. Well, that doesn’t work for me. How did a fall in love with such a selfish person.

Watching some magazine and come photographed couples holding hands and kissing made me think of my own relationship and how much I long to have someone who wants me for who I truly am and who enjoys kissing me and touching me and who doesn’t necessarily wants to have sex all the time. I know, I am describing a woman but, why not? I just thought of Herland… would women be better off without men? Our fights, competition, obsession with aesthetics, and desire for mone are directly related to this male dominated society and it is survival of the fittest. Women want to get the best mate they can get to make good babies…

Beijing 2008 (opening ceremony)

So we are blocked in the United States. I could be watching the Olympics right now online but apparently somebody had the bright idea to block this region and make us wait until "prime time" to watch them. Ohmmm well that is kinda ridiculous since I feel that I should be allowed to watch the action real time like the rest of the world. I wonder whose bright idea this was. You know they do it every 4 years. I hope Chicago gets them for 2016 and we'll be watching them live then. So, I am reading the live feeds from the BBC but I need to wait until later tonight to actually watch it. Thank you NBC your bright plan makes me want to not even bother watching it.

The games

So, everybody is ready for the olympic games and in many ways this is one of the most exciting and important sporting events in the world but will it achieve it's goal of uniting the world through a dragon and a few cute asian symbols?? China has gone through many tests to prove to the world that it is worth the world's attention. All of the crises they have gone through from the delayed construction of the olympic venues, the fiasco that was the torch relay and the problems with Darfur, Tibet and the tragic earthquake makes me think that choosing China to host the Olympic games was merely a decision fueled by very wealthy asian investors. However, let's not write China off so easily. They still have time to prove that choosing them over other more important and stable cities was not just a corrupt act. We may disagree with their foreign policy or human rights record but if China shows signs of improvement then maybe hosting the games won't be such a waste. For the sake of the world, the Tibet, Darfur and China's citizens... I hope the government reevaluates its role and makes definite change (in the right direction).
But these are just my thoughts and hopes...