under- something

I sometimes tend to feel like I don’t maintain a good mood when I am at home and I am a bit reserved because I am not sure how much I can be myself.  Somehow, I knew that my different upbringing and my excitable nature would not be welcome to many people outside of my culture.  So, the other night, I was playing video games with my boyfriend and we were drinking beer and listening to music.  I was having a very good time.  It felt just like when we had just met and used to stay up late listening to each other’s music over some drinks.  In this occasion I was getting a little too animated and vocal when I got excited about a game.  I noticed that he didn’t really like my excitement outbursts but I brushed his reaction off as unimportant because I thought that he would get used to it.  I didn’t censor myself and so after a few hours of playing and during a particularly difficult and close match on a video game we were playing, he shut me up right after telling me to stop playing the music that I was playing.  Not only did that hurt my feelings but it also made me feel controlled and under appreciated.  He had told me that it was my heavy rock music that he didn’t like but he shut me down when I was trying to play something else.  He said that he liked seeing me happy but at the same time he yelled at me when I got excited an I'd scream a little. 
I have been thinking about what this all means and unfortunately, I am smart enough to recognize that he doesn’t really like a big part of who I truly am.  He can’t get past the superficial sounds of some of the music I like and just share it with me just like he can’t just sit there and laugh and scream with me when there are things that stimulate me. So, all of those things make me feel controlled and I don’t like it.
I feel rejected and controlled but I feel conflicted because I agree with setting limits especially in a relationship and our interactions with each other because that allows us to successfully live together and enjoy each other’s company.  However, I do not like feeling controlled because I don’t like to be controlling myself and in my mind once someone starts controlling the other, then, that’s when I start feeling contempt for him because we are no longer in a balanced place….

 in this new place one person calls the shots and the other one hurts.

crazy stupid mood

I hate how sometimes little things change my mood so much.  One of the things I truly hate is being yelled at.  I think it might have something to do with how I grew up but it gets me every time.  I was in such a good mood.  Not happy but more of a pensive mood, still good. But not anymore… I waited a little bit to write and as I am writing this I have begun feeling much better.  Hmm…. writing is therapy for me.  Too bad it makes me feel weird and random.

Saturday off

It has been two months since I moved to Louisiana.  I just hit me right now that it is the 14th.  I am sitting on the floor battling my legs’ numbness, watching a really weird movie all by myself and I can’t stop feeling very sad and lonely. 

I thought that I would be able to write more but that’s it.