This is it…

I know that I’m supposed to love me before I love anybody else and for others to love me I need to love myself.  Well, then I guess I won’t fall in love anytime soon since I hate so much about me right now and that means that probably nobody is going to love me either.  Funny how that works.

 

I hate being fat. I wish I had a healthier relationship with food.  It is soooo frustrating to be in the best shape of my life and still look like a couch potato that stuffs her face with Doritos and cupcakes all day.

 

Never mind the triathlons, the 5k’s, and other sporting events.  It all comes down to is what size you are and if you are not the right size then you’re out of the game.

So instead of being happy with my achievements, I keep putting myself down.  You’re never thin enough, pretty enough, funny enough, sexy enough, etc.  So too bad if you don’t work out hard enough but make sure you don’t work out too much.  Don’t eat too much but make sure you eat enough.  Don’t drink too much but make sure to have fun.  Don’t sleep around too much but don’t be a prude.

 

REALLY?????  I QUIT!!!!!!

More of the same…

So it all starts with a few messages here and there, then it turns into sporadic conversations.  Then it progresses to day long conversations.  Then we exchange phone numbers and it goes from the messenger to texting all day.  Then we finally go out and things seem to go well. So I may decide to go all the way with him and just as sudden and magical as things were in the beginning, they turn cold then it’s over.

Forgive me if I don’t believe you when you say you’d  call because I know you wont.  I know this better than you do.  I wish you’d be honest and open enough to be clear with me from the beginning.  But I know it’s my fault for liking you too much.  Well get this, for you to be able to get in my pants I have to make a decision.  If I decide to let you get that far it is because I like you (unless I’ve clarified the terms of our relationship prior to) so don’t be inconsiderate.  If you only want sex, I’d really appreciate it if you’d communicate that to me from the beginning so I can know you are a jerk, but if I still sleep with you then I definitely don’t expect you to call the next week.

 

got it?

 

good.

So what if I have issues…

It was hard enough to grow up feeling ugly and fat.

It was hard enough watching the guy I was secretly in love with falling in love with my best friend.

It was hard enough being my friends’ go to person when they wanted to know about my (girl) friends and they were never interested in me.

It was hard living with a mom that tried very hard to let me know how fat and ugly I was.

It was hard breaking up with my first boyfriend because I was terrified that he just wanted to humiliate me.  I never believed that he actually liked me.

It was hard saying no to Ramon when he wanted to have a fun time at the hotel room because I know he only wanted to use me.

It was hard enough losing one of my best friends because she thought her bf and I were messing around behind her back, but it was harder saying no to him when we were both attracted to each other.

It was hard knowing that I needed to be smart because I was never going to be thin and pretty.

It was hard letting all my problems behind to feel that first kiss.

It was very hard to know he lied to me.

It was hard to become what I’ve become because even though I’ve had fun times, I love myself a little less…