It has been a little over a year since I declared my independence from an unhealthy relationship. It was the beginning of a difficult year on my own. Along with the heartbreak came another blow to my confidence when I had to leave my comfortable job right at the beginning of the semester. That didn't help me do any better in school which was another painful blow to my self esteem. I had never before struggled in school that bad. I did my homework and showed up to class and read the book but somehow nothing would stick so I dropped my chemistry class and decided to try to focus on my biology class. Now I realize that I should have taken a break. I was not in the right state of mind to continue my education successfully, I was in denial. I never realized how hard it would be to start a new job, school and deal with a break up on my own.
During last fall I tried to find ways to find myself. In the last 4 years, during my relationship, I lost myself in this vicious cycle that revolved around "him" and his needs. I had a couple good friends who were helpful at times but who also were busy with their own lives. I had lacked affection for so long that I did everything in my power to get some of that affection back. The interesting thing is that I searched for it sexually. I really wasn't interested in feelings because I feared that feeling you get when you fall in love with someone, yes the one that makes you do crazy things when you're not together.
This year I feel like a new person. I am not sad or depressed or in need of physical contact to be happy. I still have some things to work on but that will just take more time. I am, however, in need of support. In the last year I have forged a very strong bond with Ms Kittleson. I am so glad that we have been able to get along so well because she's helped me get through all of this with a positive attitude and a smile. She fulfills my need to have a good friend and I value her a lot for that. I also have a need for something else but I am not brave enough to explore that yet.
A few of my friends have told me that I should consider dating again. I have been debating this for a few weeks now and I can't find any more reasons why I shouldn't. As long as my freedom is respected, I have no problem in giving dating a try. Last years experiment with Mr Fish did not go too well. I feel bad because I have a feeling that I may have made things worse with him. He doesn't seem to mind too much that it didn't work out so I am not too concerned about it. I just had to say it.
So as the fall begins and the weather gets colder, the leaves start falling and we start planning what to wear on Halloween, I will open my mind and heart to the possibility of dating. Maybe this time I'll enjoy the ride a little more. Who knows maybe unexpected things could happen.
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