I am not sure what is happening to me. I wish I could understand and classify my feelings but it is not an easy task. Just a few weeks ago I was frustrated enough with Mr. Fish to end things for good. The first few weeks were torture for me. If it wasn’t for my friend Miss K. I would have never kept this, whatever this is, going for such a long time.
Two weeks ago all the frustration and confusion melted away. Mr. Fish started to do everything I wanted him to do without me asking him to do any of it. We started communicating better and more frequently. This of course made me very happy because it made me feel like he was thinking of me as often as I thought about him. Then last week, while at work, I noticed the sudden change in my mood and my perception of life and at first I was afraid because I was happy and I was being optimistic. The part about being happy without a reason is what scared me the most but I couldn’t hide it. When people asked me how I was, the only answer I could think of was “I’m happy.” So after a day of this I started connecting the dots and I got concerned. Was I falling in love with Mr. Fish? Is that even possible?
Since then I’ve tried to avoid thinking about it, but today I couldn’t help it. I have to think about it. I try to take my mind off him and I can’t. I am even afraid to seem too needy and it takes extra energy for me to not text him every time I think of him, which is too often for my own good, and so here I am blogging about it.
A few weeks ago I confessed to Mr. Fish that this was the first time I dated a guy. With Mr. Crab it was like a storm something you can’t predict but when it hits it can hit you hard. I fell madly in love with Mr. Crab and we never really dated. Our relationship evolved very quickly and before anybody cold even guess at the depth of our feelings for each other, we were engaged to be married. However, this is not a fairy tale, I cherish every moment I spent with him but the reality is that I suffered too much. I don’t think I deserved to suffer but my bad decisions put me in that position. I was naive and inexperienced which contributed to me putting myself in a place I never wanted to be in. My life depended on one man and the thought of not having that man in my life was unbearable. Now I know there is more to life and I am glad I am experiencing new people and new relationships.
So back to Mr. Fish, I confessed to him that he was the first guy I had dated conventionally and that I was enjoying the experience of slowly learning about someone and getting to know them in person rather than electronically. Which brings me to my point… has this been developing so slowly that I never noticed when I started caring about him? When did it go from nothing to something? and what is that something? I am not even sure how he feels about me. Why am I getting this need to define something that has been working out without definition?
Something tells me I am just making things bigger in my mind than they actually are. I don’t know why I do this but I tend to blow things out of proportion. So, I guess I am going to continue to behave the same way… whatever we’re doing seems to be working and I see no reason why we should mess it up. But then again, we’ll see how I feel tomorrow about it.
MB
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